The Angst

Angst.
This is something I'm learning to cope with as I was recently diagnosed with an anxiety disorder by my therapist. Something that I have discovered is that by being aware that I have this it makes you assess situations not only as stressful, calm, happy, or sad, but now I have to be thinking of how I am reacting and coping with this. I think I now understand my reaction, but can't help but wonder all the things that lead up to my diagnosis. I think about all the ways that I used to ignore the way I felt or thought because I didn't think it was anything but high school stress or pressure. What continues to baffle me as I grow with this, is the smallest thing can trigger it, and then it's like a vacuum sucking you in and once it's has you in its grips it's like you can't get out.
Having to try and figure out how I cope, or even if I cope is mind boggling, frustrating, and time consuming. With that said I've always turned to music to help explain what I can't say in words, and at show choir nationals a group sang a song called the "The Sound of Silence", a piece originally by Simon & Garfunkel. This song I thought explained how I felt, more or less. Talking about darkness being your old friend someone that's been there for a while and now it's back but you are the only one who knows because you are the only one who can hear, or think about it. What I interpret it saying is that going through something like this is something to not be spoken of, 'no one dared to disturb'. I never knew or thought, I of all people would be struggling with a mental health disorder, nor did any of my loved ones, coming as a surprise to everyone. Putting up a front seems to be a temporary solution to a permanent problem, as there is no real cure to these horrendous diseases. As much as this song describes my feelings to me, and  has aided in my coping skills it also is a relief. If I feel that when I listen to it, I'm letting some of it go, that it will go away since it's being put into words.

The Sound of Silence

Hello darkness, my old friend,
I've come to talk with you again,
Because a vision softly creeping,
Left its seeds while I was sleeping,
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence.

In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone,
'Neath the halo of a street lamp,
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence.

And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more.
People talking without speaking,
People hearing without listening,
People writing songs that voices never share
And no one dared
Disturb the sound of silence.

"Fools," said I, "You do not know.
Silence like a cancer grows.
Hear my words that I might teach you.
Take my arms that I might reach you."
But my words like silent raindrops fell
And echoed in the wells of silence

And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon god they made.
And the sign flashed out its warning
In the words that it was forming.
And the sign said, "The words of the prophets are written on the subway walls
And tenement halls
And whispered in the sounds of silence."

"And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence."
This line specifically stuck out because I feel like this vision that it talks about represents to me my anxiety that sticks in my head, and I feel like it consumes me more days than not anymore.

Although I struggle with this more than I'd like to admit, I am proud to say I need help and I want to learn to deal with a mental illness and inspire others to learn how to deal with anxiety or anything else they're dealing with. Music has helped me release some of the tension that builds up, and causes a fluster of emotions that lead to anxiety attacks.

Because really all we can do is keep breathing.


Source for the song lyrics:----> http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/simongarfunkel/thesoundofsilence.html