Wednesday, April 20, 2016
Good Sister Interview
I wrote an interview based on the book I recently read, The Good Sister.
Megan: “Hello girls, how
are you this evening?”
Rachel and Asha: “We’re good,
thanks!”
Megan: “First I would
just like to say sorry for your loss, this must be so difficult for both of
you. I’ll start with Asha. Being the youngest and the closest to Sarah, how did
this affect you?”
Asha: “At first it was
like I was numb, I couldn’t feel anything. Which was weird because you usually
associate death with grieving and pain, but in all honesty I didn’t believe she
was actually gone. I kept telling myself that there is no way she could be
dead.”
Megan: “And Rachel how
about you, how did Sarah’s passing affect you?”
Rachel: “Being the least
connected to Sarah was difficult because at first I don’t think my mind
completely understood that she was gone. Sitting at her funeral was difficult,
but if anything I felt more guilt than I felt grief.”
Megan: “This must be so
tough for both of you, but if you could have said I thing to Sarah before she
died, what would you say?”
Asha: “If I could have
said one thing to Sarah, it would have been thank you. I would have said thank
you, because she showed me how to be positive through the toughest things in
life, and no matter what, you have to keep moving on.”
Rachel: “I suppose you’re
looking for a sappy answer like Asha gave, but I don’t have one. If I could say
one thing to Sarah it would be the complete opposite of what I had interrogated
her about right before she died.”
Megan: “Rachel, it
seems as though you know something more of the “accident” that occurred on this
day, do you care to elaborate?”
Rachel: “I know that what
happened wasn’t an accident, and it wasn’t a murder, she jumped. Sarah took her
own life that day, and jumped. I also know the reason she killed herself wasn’t
because she was depressed, or had cancer again, but she died because the guilt
she felt was eating her alive.”
Megan: “What did she
feel so guilty about that she felt the only way to relieve that guilt was to
take her life?”
Rachel: “When I was with
David, Sarah’s boyfriend at the time, he had told me that he and Sarah were
responsible for a hit and run accident that had killed young boy. With this
information, I finally saw my chance to confront Sarah, who was no longer so
perfect, and chastise her about the car accident.”
Megan: “Why did you want
to interrogate her about it?”
Rachel: “Ever since we
were little I have always been the middle child, the girl with a pretty face, I
could never donate bone marrow and save the day like Asha, and I wasn’t the
Sarah the sickly child. I was always stuck in the middle, and I saw my chance
to get ahead.”
Megan: “Asha, did you
know about this?”
Asha: “I didn’t know why
Rachel felt the need to ask about the accident, but I did know about the truth
behind the accident.”
Megan: “What was your
first reaction when you found out?”
Asha: “When I found the
box in Sarah’s closet, I was stunned. I could not figure out why Sarah, my
perfect older sister, would have a shirt with what seemed to be dried blood on
it, and newspaper clippings from a random boy’s obituary. Nothing seemed to
make sense.”
Megan: “Did your
feelings toward Sarah change?”
Asha: “No, because she
was still my sister, it was more or less just a lot of confusion. I guess I
just couldn’t picture her doing such a thing. She was the good one, the one who
through all of the chemo and hell that came with having cancer twice, would
never in a million years would have been responsible for the murder of Brandon. The boy who left
college to live a little, far away from his home, and just in an instant, it
was gone.”
Megan: “Do either of you
wish you could say something to Brandon? “
Rachel: “No, because
nothing I could ever say to him would change what happened.”
Asha: “I don’t know if I
wish I could say something to him, but I think I’d want to know if he knows
Sarah.”
Megan: “Do you think he
would know Sarah, Rachel?”
Rachel: “I mean maybe, but
if I were him I’d be so mad. He probably wanted her to die.”
Megan: “Where do you
girls think that Sarah is? Do you think that she is in Heaven, or that her
spirit is back with the universe?”
Rachel: “I suppose a few
months ago I would’ve said that she was with the universe, but now I guess I
don’t really know where I think she is. Most days I don’t even know where I
am.”
Asha: “I think that with
all the recent changes, I’ve had a change of heart. I want to believe that she
is in heaven flying with all of the other beautiful angels. I can just imagine
her with her long white-blonde hair, and big wings swaying in the wind.”
Megan: “Okay girls, I
have one final question for you this evening. Would you ever take Sarah’s
place, why or why not? It’s okay to say no.”
Rachel: “Some days I wish
Sarah and I’s roles were reversed, which is probably why I attempted suicide. I
guess that I figured that I’d be the first one to go because I wasn’t the sick one
whom everyone fell over, and I wasn’t Asha, the youngest one who saved the day.
I guess my final answer would be no, but not because I’m being selfish, but
because I think that I’ve finally started learning how to be loving and caring.
In a way I think that a part of Sarah lives in me, because as soon as she
passed I started to care more, and changed for the better.”
Asha: “Yes and no. Yes
because I wish that Rachel would have been able to have the bond with Sarah
that I did, but no because I know that
Sarah wouldn’t have wanted it to be any other way. I think that Sarah, although
she is dead, watches what goes on with Rachel and I, and I believe that she
loves watching our family come together again. Sarah is where she belongs, she
is no longer sick, and is guilt free, but she is still with us, and always will
be.”
Believe
Something important I believe is that everything happens for
a reason. I believe this because on December 25, 2013, this year’s past
Christmas, my mother suffered from a stroke.
As is seems, it was quite a devastating day, but it was also a day that
I will treasure for as long as I live. I think that Jessica, my sister, and I
were especially fortunate of this timing.
My sister
Kelly was about to leave at about 2:30, but she was refusing to help load the
car, to go to her boyfriend’s families events for the day, and my sister Taylor
had already left with her boyfriend to do the same. As Angus loaded the car, the
same time my mom and Kelly had been saying goodbye, and talking, my mom noticed
she was experiencing some unusual numbness on the right side of her body. Kelly
had my mom sit down and just was trying to help her, ask her what she did, how
she felt, etc. A few minutes later, my mom started to slur her speech, and
immediately Kelly recognized stroke symptoms. Just like a circus train Jess and
Kelly helped my mom into the car as I gathered a few things inside, and off we
went to the hospital.
As my mom
was being rushed in, only one of us was allowed to be back there with her until
a little while later. As I waited in the E.R. waiting room, Taylor and Kelly
came back, we sat down and prayed. About 20 minutes later, Jessica came out and
said that we could come back now. We all sat down with my mom in relief that
she was going to be okay, but at the same time realized what had just happened.
After a few moments of silence, Taylor tries to lighten the mood with, “Well,
Merry Christmas guys!” She got a little chuckle, because after all, we were all
going to be okay. A few more doctors dame in and talked to us and my mom of
course, but then my mom said something that really hit home. She took one long
deep breath and said, “Yah know, if Meg and Jess would’ve been the only ones
home, I would have gone in and laid on the couch, and I would’ve died.”
Forever will
not be enough time to thank god that my sister Kelly was there to talk to my
mom, to take note of the symptoms, to
take her to the hospital, and to save her. I believe that the tragedy that
occurred on December 25, was not in fact a tragedy, but a blessing, and the
greatest gift that anyone could ask for on Christmas, their mother’s life.
Thursday, April 14, 2016
Misconceptions of Mental Illness
Chandler Gouchee and Brielle Thompson; kids taken too soon by their own choice, or was it? These children amongst others have suffered from depression and other mental illness', doing their best to lock down any and all emotions until they broke. Teens and early twenties, usually between the ages of 14-24 are most vulnerable to develop these illness' (Murphey) so ignorantly called an epidemic in today's society, because now more than ever people are coming out to seek help, and not hiding in the closet. These people are coming out to face their demons in hopes of ridding the world of these hauntingly horrid disorders. Now more than ever we need to stop stereotyping those affected, and instead educate ourselves on the harsh realities of these illness'.
Nearly twenty percent of all adolescents have a diagnosable mental disorder according to the 2013 Adolescent Health Highlight study by Child Trends, the nations leading non-profit organization for childhood/teen health trends, researching and analyzing to better inform practitioners and policymakers (Murphey). Being apart of this statistic is more common than most people would like to believe, and quite prevalent in the Kennedy halls. Facing the recent loss was tough to say the least, whether you knew her or not, we all felt something. She walked down these ghastly halls just like you and I. With middle school and high school being the holy grail of bullying and degrading, a thunder dome of self-shaming and peer pressure, we are the
ones who don’t get talked to, or for that matter even feel comfortable speaking on the subject. The thought of those kids who are gone or feeling absolutely helpless puts a pit in my stomach knowing that they felt they had no other choice, and no one to talk to or even talk about this with is absolutely a fault in our system, and something that needs to be addressed. As a consequence of being bullied, many of these victims suffer from depression, generalized anxiety, or some other variation of a mental illness. With this in mind, I pose the question, why are we as a school, as a district, and most importantly as human beings, who are living with and amongst these people not lifting each other up? We should be fighting this together, and educating ourselves, as opposed to shoving aside what Chandler, Brielle, and many others, like myself, feel everyday.
I think a major fault in our system as a whole is the lack of fundamental knowledge of mental illness, and knowing that it isn't something you get to believe exists or not. You would think that informing the age group most subjective to such epidemics would be given the respect of a working knowledge, and understanding of these ever prevalent and grueling thoughts. A common misconception of the kinds of people that suffer from these illness's are the ones with bad home situations, kids who wear all black, or lack of parental guidance; when in reality I have three, two parented, loving home, beautiful friends who struggle every day with such mocking thoughts, because this sickness does not discriminate. The difference between you and them? Nothing. They are involved in school activities, jobs, have social lives, boyfriends, all while maintaining above average GPA's; but they just need a little extra help to get them through the day. The people that suffer from this aren't lost causes, don't need to go to a 'loony bin', and most definitely are not damaged. The only thing that separates you from them is you, and you are the ones that we need most to help carry us through our darkest hours.
Someone I know once had the audacity to say, "mental illness does not exist," and that "its just in your head," I had nothing to respond but silence to this profoundly illiterate statement. I found that Sabrina Benaim, a slam poet wrote, "Explaining My Depression to My Mother", a piece that described not only how she struggles with depression, but many other mental illness's describing them to a T, and how her mother reacts is somewhat similar to all people who doubt the capabilities of this illness.
“…my depression is a shape shifter.
One day it is as small as a firefly in the palm of a bear,
The next, it’s the bear…
…Anxiety holds me a hostage inside of my house, inside of my head….
…each night insomnia sweeps me up in his arms dips me in
the kitchen in the small glow of the stove-light.
Insomnia has this romantic way of making the moon feel like perfect company,"
all quotes from Benaim, perfectly capturing the daunting realities of mental illness. A friend showed me this to hopefully help me understand in better words how I felt, because that’s the thing with mental illness, is you can't describe it, it consumes each victim differently, coming and going whenever it pleases.
Sabrina Benaim said, "...my depression is a shapeshifter..", implying that although this illness is physically there everyday, it doesn’t mentally affect her the same way or at the same time day after day; this is true for most people. For me these feelings come and go, having bad days and then worse ones to the point where my thoughts suffocate me, and greeting my bed
feels like meeting an old friend. On the good days I forget I suffer from such things, and am not myself per say, but I get a little closer to normalcy on those days. Friends tell me that they would look at a clock and not be able to escape the thought of a greater code that needs cracked, or the one who can't get through the day without creating waterfalls of tears simply because she feels alone. Alone is a common feeling, a constant feeling even, but this is not just walking through the hallways alone. This kind of alone is the one that is only found at night whilst insomnia greets you, and you can't see through the darkness to your hand in front of you; alone. All these feelings come and go day in and day out, but I know if we all had a better understanding on what we're up against, we might not feel so alone.
Although somedays consumed by the fuzz of a T.V. with no cable, or the eerie comfort of a dark room, mental illness does not define me or any other victim. With more kids than ever coming out of this darkness and seeking help, because the road that seemed to never end, seems to be getting shorter. Even though the 'Kindness Assembly' hasn’t really changed the ways of the kids or even teachers for that matter, it gives me an inkling of hope that maybe these issues aren't going to be looked over for much longer, and there is a brighter future for those struggling. If we can understand what people are dealing with, so we can be better equipped to help, this epidemic can be conquered, and never again will we need to mourn for the loss of one so young.
Nearly twenty percent of all adolescents have a diagnosable mental disorder according to the 2013 Adolescent Health Highlight study by Child Trends, the nations leading non-profit organization for childhood/teen health trends, researching and analyzing to better inform practitioners and policymakers (Murphey). Being apart of this statistic is more common than most people would like to believe, and quite prevalent in the Kennedy halls. Facing the recent loss was tough to say the least, whether you knew her or not, we all felt something. She walked down these ghastly halls just like you and I. With middle school and high school being the holy grail of bullying and degrading, a thunder dome of self-shaming and peer pressure, we are the
ones who don’t get talked to, or for that matter even feel comfortable speaking on the subject. The thought of those kids who are gone or feeling absolutely helpless puts a pit in my stomach knowing that they felt they had no other choice, and no one to talk to or even talk about this with is absolutely a fault in our system, and something that needs to be addressed. As a consequence of being bullied, many of these victims suffer from depression, generalized anxiety, or some other variation of a mental illness. With this in mind, I pose the question, why are we as a school, as a district, and most importantly as human beings, who are living with and amongst these people not lifting each other up? We should be fighting this together, and educating ourselves, as opposed to shoving aside what Chandler, Brielle, and many others, like myself, feel everyday.
I think a major fault in our system as a whole is the lack of fundamental knowledge of mental illness, and knowing that it isn't something you get to believe exists or not. You would think that informing the age group most subjective to such epidemics would be given the respect of a working knowledge, and understanding of these ever prevalent and grueling thoughts. A common misconception of the kinds of people that suffer from these illness's are the ones with bad home situations, kids who wear all black, or lack of parental guidance; when in reality I have three, two parented, loving home, beautiful friends who struggle every day with such mocking thoughts, because this sickness does not discriminate. The difference between you and them? Nothing. They are involved in school activities, jobs, have social lives, boyfriends, all while maintaining above average GPA's; but they just need a little extra help to get them through the day. The people that suffer from this aren't lost causes, don't need to go to a 'loony bin', and most definitely are not damaged. The only thing that separates you from them is you, and you are the ones that we need most to help carry us through our darkest hours.
Someone I know once had the audacity to say, "mental illness does not exist," and that "its just in your head," I had nothing to respond but silence to this profoundly illiterate statement. I found that Sabrina Benaim, a slam poet wrote, "Explaining My Depression to My Mother", a piece that described not only how she struggles with depression, but many other mental illness's describing them to a T, and how her mother reacts is somewhat similar to all people who doubt the capabilities of this illness.
“…my depression is a shape shifter.
One day it is as small as a firefly in the palm of a bear,
The next, it’s the bear…
…Anxiety holds me a hostage inside of my house, inside of my head….
…each night insomnia sweeps me up in his arms dips me in
the kitchen in the small glow of the stove-light.
Insomnia has this romantic way of making the moon feel like perfect company,"
all quotes from Benaim, perfectly capturing the daunting realities of mental illness. A friend showed me this to hopefully help me understand in better words how I felt, because that’s the thing with mental illness, is you can't describe it, it consumes each victim differently, coming and going whenever it pleases.
Sabrina Benaim said, "...my depression is a shapeshifter..", implying that although this illness is physically there everyday, it doesn’t mentally affect her the same way or at the same time day after day; this is true for most people. For me these feelings come and go, having bad days and then worse ones to the point where my thoughts suffocate me, and greeting my bed
feels like meeting an old friend. On the good days I forget I suffer from such things, and am not myself per say, but I get a little closer to normalcy on those days. Friends tell me that they would look at a clock and not be able to escape the thought of a greater code that needs cracked, or the one who can't get through the day without creating waterfalls of tears simply because she feels alone. Alone is a common feeling, a constant feeling even, but this is not just walking through the hallways alone. This kind of alone is the one that is only found at night whilst insomnia greets you, and you can't see through the darkness to your hand in front of you; alone. All these feelings come and go day in and day out, but I know if we all had a better understanding on what we're up against, we might not feel so alone.
Although somedays consumed by the fuzz of a T.V. with no cable, or the eerie comfort of a dark room, mental illness does not define me or any other victim. With more kids than ever coming out of this darkness and seeking help, because the road that seemed to never end, seems to be getting shorter. Even though the 'Kindness Assembly' hasn’t really changed the ways of the kids or even teachers for that matter, it gives me an inkling of hope that maybe these issues aren't going to be looked over for much longer, and there is a brighter future for those struggling. If we can understand what people are dealing with, so we can be better equipped to help, this epidemic can be conquered, and never again will we need to mourn for the loss of one so young.
Thursday, April 7, 2016
Now
Well, I am basically to my word count for the week, and so I am here to give YOU a play by play of my life right now!!!!
I just ate a yogurt and I didn't like it because it was my mom's kind. I have two soccer practices after school today and I am most definitely not excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Also I'm currently debating whether or not to eat my sandwich or to wait until lunch, I'm at that point where I could eat something, but I could wait too.
I just ate a yogurt and I didn't like it because it was my mom's kind. I have two soccer practices after school today and I am most definitely not excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Also I'm currently debating whether or not to eat my sandwich or to wait until lunch, I'm at that point where I could eat something, but I could wait too.
The North Wing
Many extracurricular activities in high school are overlooked. We get huge crowds at football games because everyone goes. Football games have become more of a social event for some people rather than actually watching the game, but hey that's high school. This is the same for basketball and volleyball games as well.
Activities such as dance team, golf, and cross country are far less popular meets/competitions to go to. These events usually get a few students to come to them, but it is usually parents and siblings that are there to watch.
Other than sports, the music department here at Kennedy is far underappreciated! We have amazing instrument players and singers and actors that few students here realize. The students that are involved in these coral or musical activities and groups work so hard at what they do so they can continue to improve. Most of them have a band/orchestra class every day, the choir and show choir kids all have a choir class every day, and some even have a select choir such as chamber or moonlight. There are also after school practices for these students as well, they spend hours a day rehearsing and preparing for their next show.
Our band doesn’t just play at football games, they also go to competitions throughout the fall. We have a spectacular band, who received first place at two competitions this year I believe, and we have an amazing drum line. Most of these kids have been playing these instruments since probably at least middle school. They practice daily and learn new music all the time, and most are involved in jazz band or the combo for show choir as well!
Our show choir starts learning their show the summer before the next school year starts, they work for a good six months before their show is complete and ready to compete. Competitions start in January and go for about two months, with a competition about every two or three weeks. Happiness is the top show choir here at Kennedy and they recently went to Nationals in Tennessee and received sixth in the nation, a pretty big honor. We also host our own competition right here at Kennedy every February, called Raise the Roof.
The drama department also puts on their own shows a few times a year. Students try out for roles of the plays and they work very hard after school to rehearse their lines and create the sets and make it perfect before they have their show, this years show is The Pajama Game. Each student has to memorize all of their lines and remember what they are supposed to be doing when they say something. Our plays are always great, and needless to say we have very talented actors at our school!
Bullying
Chandler and Brielle; kids taken too soon by their own
choice, or was it? Not only in recent weeks has the CRCSD experienced loss, but
in years past as well. In light of these recurring events, I pose the question
of ‘why are we as students and staff of one of the largest districts in the
state not stepping in and taking the lead?’
One of the
more frustrating aspects of such loss is the piece that I believe adults and
teachers push aside most often, is being able to openly have a discussion and
say what you’re thinking because as cliché as it sounds, no one was
prepared for this. I think that teachers and adults should be able to tell us
what’s happening honestly without the fluff of worrying about what irrelevant
high schoolers will then gossip about in between classes. Action needs to be
taken and if the so called leaders of the school and school district can’t how
are the tiny people like me supposed to make an impact alone.
Some
advice that I think everyone should have is be sad, and grieve because even
though you didn’t know Chandler, or Brielle, or Payton for that matter,
everyone has a right to be feel something towards these kids. Another thing
that I think adults should be aware of is that kids talk, and really know
what’s going on via social media, the tall kids walking in front of you, and
the gossip girls by the water fountain, with that said, sugar coating what is
actually happening is part of the problem. The reason I believe that we have a
right to know and understand is because whether or not you knew them, they were
you; inform us when it affects us. Those
kids had their entire lives ahead of them, they were young and full of life and
now they’re gone, but teachers think it’s best to keep everything on the ‘D.L’
and that has YET to resolve this epidemic. If students like Brielle and
Chandler had a chance to be talked to about what they were feeling and felt
like they had some confidence in their teachers or peers maybe they’d still be
here. As much as parents and teachers feel it’s their responsibility to shield
us from tragedy, it’s also their responsibility then to explain to us what it
is, and let us know it’s okay to feel like that but everyone needs someone to
talk to, and if you can’t talk to a teacher or an adult in your life, you as adults
cannot expect change.
If you
want something changed I’ve learned you have to go and do it yourself, and if
you want something said and done about this “touchy subject” start talking. In
elementary school I remember being talked to about bullying and how it was
wrong, I even remember having class discussions about it, but as I’ve grown
older these talks have become non-existent. Now why would these talks end when
in reality those problems were only the beginning? Middle school the holy grail
of bullying and degrading, high school is a thunder dome of self-shaming, and
peer pressure, but yet we don’t get talked to , or for that matter even feel
comfortable speaking on the subject. The thought of those kids who are gone
feeling absolutely helpless puts a pit in my stomach knowing that they felt
they had no other choice, and no one to talk to or even talk about this with is
absolutely a fault in our system.
Sunday, April 3, 2016
Seniors
Dear Seniors,
Congratulations.
You're almost there, almost ready to embark on your last big adventure, but this time you're doing it alone. And as you pack your bags, I ask you to keep in mind a few things.
Take in where you are right now. Don't be in such a hurry to grow up, as great as it sounds to be away from your parents, and freedom, actual freedom not just I'm eighteen but live at home freedom, remember all the things you never get to do again. Think of all those stupid practices, long nights at show choir, basketball, football, soccer, and speech practice. As much as you hated conditioning, or your teammate that would never be up to par, or not finishing until 10 when practice got over at 9:30, think about what you're leaving behind, and how much of an impact you had. That teammate, he looked up to you, the conditioning made you stronger physically sure, but it also taught you self control, and to endure, and those late practices spent on stage with 50 other people who will miss you more than you know when you're gone.
Enjoy where you're going, but don't forget who was with you before you arrived. To the seniors, I hope you all succeed, and become everything you'd hoped. Enjoy the road, the people, the scenery, and every once in a while look back and see where you came from, and how far you've come. Stay humble, and don't forget us.
Breathing
Going along with my most recent blog, "The Angst", I found that the song "Keep Breathing", sang by my favorite people, has helped me release tension. This song tells you that although you may not know what to do, or have the world against you, all you need to do is keep breathing. I think sometimes I especially forget to just breathe, and remember that I am still breathing, and how many other people want you to be here just as much as you want to keep breathing.
The storm is coming but I don't mind
People are dying, I close my blinds
All that I know is I'm breathing now
I want to change the world
Instead I sleep
I want to believe in more than you and me
But all that I know is I'm breathing
All I can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing now
All that I know is I'm breathing
All I can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing now
Source for the song:------> http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/ingridmichaelson/keepbreathing.html
The storm that they talk about is your demon, or in my case anxiety, and you don't know what's going to happen, but you do know and have the power to keep breathing.
The storm is coming but I don't mind
People are dying, I close my blinds
All that I know is I'm breathing now
I want to change the world
Instead I sleep
I want to believe in more than you and me
But all that I know is I'm breathing
All I can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing now
All that I know is I'm breathing
All I can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing now
Source for the song:------> http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/ingridmichaelson/keepbreathing.html
The storm that they talk about is your demon, or in my case anxiety, and you don't know what's going to happen, but you do know and have the power to keep breathing.
The Angst
Angst.
This is something I'm learning to cope with as I was recently diagnosed with an anxiety disorder by my therapist. Something that I have discovered is that by being aware that I have this it makes you assess situations not only as stressful, calm, happy, or sad, but now I have to be thinking of how I am reacting and coping with this. I think I now understand my reaction, but can't help but wonder all the things that lead up to my diagnosis. I think about all the ways that I used to ignore the way I felt or thought because I didn't think it was anything but high school stress or pressure. What continues to baffle me as I grow with this, is the smallest thing can trigger it, and then it's like a vacuum sucking you in and once it's has you in its grips it's like you can't get out.
Having to try and figure out how I cope, or even if I cope is mind boggling, frustrating, and time consuming. With that said I've always turned to music to help explain what I can't say in words, and at show choir nationals a group sang a song called the "The Sound of Silence", a piece originally by Simon & Garfunkel. This song I thought explained how I felt, more or less. Talking about darkness being your old friend someone that's been there for a while and now it's back but you are the only one who knows because you are the only one who can hear, or think about it. What I interpret it saying is that going through something like this is something to not be spoken of, 'no one dared to disturb'. I never knew or thought, I of all people would be struggling with a mental health disorder, nor did any of my loved ones, coming as a surprise to everyone. Putting up a front seems to be a temporary solution to a permanent problem, as there is no real cure to these horrendous diseases. As much as this song describes my feelings to me, and has aided in my coping skills it also is a relief. If I feel that when I listen to it, I'm letting some of it go, that it will go away since it's being put into words.
The Sound of Silence
Hello darkness, my old friend,
I've come to talk with you again,
Because a vision softly creeping,
Left its seeds while I was sleeping,
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence.
In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone,
'Neath the halo of a street lamp,
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence.
And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more.
People talking without speaking,
People hearing without listening,
People writing songs that voices never share
And no one dared
Disturb the sound of silence.
"Fools," said I, "You do not know.
Silence like a cancer grows.
Hear my words that I might teach you.
Take my arms that I might reach you."
But my words like silent raindrops fell
And echoed in the wells of silence
And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon god they made.
And the sign flashed out its warning
In the words that it was forming.
And the sign said, "The words of the prophets are written on the subway walls
And tenement halls
And whispered in the sounds of silence."
"And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence."
This line specifically stuck out because I feel like this vision that it talks about represents to me my anxiety that sticks in my head, and I feel like it consumes me more days than not anymore.
Although I struggle with this more than I'd like to admit, I am proud to say I need help and I want to learn to deal with a mental illness and inspire others to learn how to deal with anxiety or anything else they're dealing with. Music has helped me release some of the tension that builds up, and causes a fluster of emotions that lead to anxiety attacks.
Because really all we can do is keep breathing.
Source for the song lyrics:----> http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/simongarfunkel/thesoundofsilence.html
This is something I'm learning to cope with as I was recently diagnosed with an anxiety disorder by my therapist. Something that I have discovered is that by being aware that I have this it makes you assess situations not only as stressful, calm, happy, or sad, but now I have to be thinking of how I am reacting and coping with this. I think I now understand my reaction, but can't help but wonder all the things that lead up to my diagnosis. I think about all the ways that I used to ignore the way I felt or thought because I didn't think it was anything but high school stress or pressure. What continues to baffle me as I grow with this, is the smallest thing can trigger it, and then it's like a vacuum sucking you in and once it's has you in its grips it's like you can't get out.
Having to try and figure out how I cope, or even if I cope is mind boggling, frustrating, and time consuming. With that said I've always turned to music to help explain what I can't say in words, and at show choir nationals a group sang a song called the "The Sound of Silence", a piece originally by Simon & Garfunkel. This song I thought explained how I felt, more or less. Talking about darkness being your old friend someone that's been there for a while and now it's back but you are the only one who knows because you are the only one who can hear, or think about it. What I interpret it saying is that going through something like this is something to not be spoken of, 'no one dared to disturb'. I never knew or thought, I of all people would be struggling with a mental health disorder, nor did any of my loved ones, coming as a surprise to everyone. Putting up a front seems to be a temporary solution to a permanent problem, as there is no real cure to these horrendous diseases. As much as this song describes my feelings to me, and has aided in my coping skills it also is a relief. If I feel that when I listen to it, I'm letting some of it go, that it will go away since it's being put into words.
The Sound of Silence
Hello darkness, my old friend,
I've come to talk with you again,
Because a vision softly creeping,
Left its seeds while I was sleeping,
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence.
In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone,
'Neath the halo of a street lamp,
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence.
And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more.
People talking without speaking,
People hearing without listening,
People writing songs that voices never share
And no one dared
Disturb the sound of silence.
"Fools," said I, "You do not know.
Silence like a cancer grows.
Hear my words that I might teach you.
Take my arms that I might reach you."
But my words like silent raindrops fell
And echoed in the wells of silence
And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon god they made.
And the sign flashed out its warning
In the words that it was forming.
And the sign said, "The words of the prophets are written on the subway walls
And tenement halls
And whispered in the sounds of silence."
"And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence."
This line specifically stuck out because I feel like this vision that it talks about represents to me my anxiety that sticks in my head, and I feel like it consumes me more days than not anymore.
Although I struggle with this more than I'd like to admit, I am proud to say I need help and I want to learn to deal with a mental illness and inspire others to learn how to deal with anxiety or anything else they're dealing with. Music has helped me release some of the tension that builds up, and causes a fluster of emotions that lead to anxiety attacks.
Because really all we can do is keep breathing.
Source for the song lyrics:----> http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/simongarfunkel/thesoundofsilence.html
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)